14 Questions to Ask Before Marriage: Are You Really Ready?
Thinking about getting married?
Work through these 14 important questions about faith, friendship, values, family, money, conflict, expectations and more before you say “I do.
Who you marry matters.
Marriage is a lifelong covenant, and choosing who you will share that covenant with deserves more than simply asking, “Do we love each other?”
Do you really know each other? Do you share the values that will shape your life together? Have you talked about faith, family, money, conflict, expectations, and the future? Are you choosing this person for who they are right now—or who you hope they'll become?
These 14 questions are designed to help you look beyond the feelings of being in love and take an intentional look at the person, the relationship, and the marriage you're considering.
And yes—this is long and in-depth. At least, I hope it is! You're considering forever with this person. What a great opportunity to begin connecting on a deeper level as you mine the depths of one another and learn more about the person you may choose for your future forever.
Don't just read through the questions. Talk about them. Pray about them. Write down your answers. Approach these conversations with transparency and vulnerability, giving each other the freedom to share what you really think, feel, believe, and expect.
Take your time. You don't have to finish this in one sitting. The goal isn't to get through the questions. The goal is to know one another more deeply when you're finished.
1. Are they willing to lay their life down for Jesus?
Before asking whether this person would sacrifice for you, ask who has first place in their life.
Do they simply say they follow Jesus, or is there evidence of a desire to become more like Him?
Marriage will ask both of you to surrender your own way again and again. You want to know that the person you're considering marrying is first willing to surrender themselves to Jesus.
Read: Luke 9:23–24; Matthew 6:33
Write It Down
What evidence do I see that Jesus has first place in this person's life?
Are there any areas where what they say they believe and how they live don't seem to match?
2. Are you willing to lay your life down for this person?
Now turn the question around.
Marriage calls us to sacrificial love. Am I willing to serve this person, consider their needs, forgive, sacrifice, and choose what is best for our marriage even when it costs me something?
It's easy to imagine loving someone when everything feels good. Marriage asks us to love when we're tired, disappointed, frustrated, inconvenienced, or simply don't get our way—and even in the moments when our spouse feels unlovable.
Read: Ephesians 5:21–33; Philippians 2:3–5
Write It Down
What does laying down my life for my spouse mean to me?
What might be difficult for me to surrender in marriage?
3. Are we friends—for real?
Do you genuinely like each other?
Do you laugh together? Enjoy talking? Have fun? Can you enjoy ordinary life together—not just exciting dates, romance, and physical attraction?
Think about the person you'd want beside you on an ordinary Tuesday night when there's nothing exciting happening. Friendship matters because a lot of marriage is ordinary life.
Write It Down
What do I genuinely enjoy about this person's friendship?
When do we have the most fun together?
What would I miss about our friendship if the romantic part of our relationship wasn't there?
4. Have we known each other long enough to really know each other?
Have you dated through every season of the year?
There is value in experiencing a full year of life together—holidays, birthdays, family gatherings, busy seasons, vacations, celebrations, disappointments, stress, sickness, changing schedules, and plenty of ordinary days.
Have I seen this person tired, frustrated, challenged, corrected, disappointed, and told “no”? Have they seen those sides of me?
And maybe most importantly:
Am I real with this person?
Do they know the real me, or am I still presenting the best version of myself?
Write It Down
What have I learned about this person by seeing them in different circumstances?
Is there any part of myself I'm still afraid to let them see?
Do I feel free to be completely myself around them? Why or why not?
5. Do we have the same core values?
Before you can know whether you share the same core values, you need to know what yours are.
Think beyond simply saying, “We're both Christians.” What does following Jesus actually look like in your everyday lives?
What beliefs and convictions determine how you make decisions? What do you believe about marriage, children, sex, money, church, family, work, generosity, integrity, and commitment?
You don't have to share the same personality, hobbies, or preferences. But the values underneath the life you're building together matter.
Write It Down
Write down 5–10 of your core values:
Now compare your lists.
Where do we align?
Where are we different?
Are any of those differences in areas one of us considers non-negotiable?
Need an example? Here are 10 core values our family has chosen to live by:
Jesus First — Jesus is first in our lives and in our family.
God's Word Is Our Filter — We filter our choices through the truth of God's Word. (Philippians 4:8)
Choose Kindness — We choose kindness, even when it costs us something. (1 Peter 2:21)
No Arguing or Complaining — We do everything without grumbling or arguing. (Philippians 2:14)
Family Before Friends — We honor, care for, and prioritize our family. (Exodus 20:12; 1 Timothy 5:8)
Church Is a Priority — We choose to serve the Lord and serve others. (Joshua 24:15)
Keep Your Word — We keep our promises, even when it hurts. (Psalm 15:4)
Give Grace & Forgive — We are quick to give grace and forgive the repentant. (Colossians 3:13)
No Secrets — We tell the truth and live with honesty and transparency. (Proverbs 12:22)
We Don't Gossip — We understand the power of our words and refuse to use them to tear others down. (Proverbs 18:21; 2 Timothy 2:16)
Your core values don't have to look like ours. The point is to identify the convictions that will guide your home, your decisions, and the marriage and family you're building together.
6. What are our money languages?
Money isn't just about how much you make or how much you spend. We each bring different attitudes, tendencies, fears, habits, and priorities surrounding money into a marriage.
Understanding how each of you naturally views money can open important conversations about spending, saving, debt, giving, budgeting, financial security, and your expectations for the future.
Jimmy Evans identifies four different money languages. Learning yours can give you language for understanding why the two of you may approach the exact same financial decision very differently.
Write It Down
My money language:
Their money language:
What does financial security mean to me?
What does being financially responsible mean to me?
How do I feel about debt?
How important are saving and giving to me?
What did my family teach me about money?
7. What are our love languages?
Knowing someone's love language isn't just a fun personality exercise. It gives you language for understanding what makes each of you feel cared for and valued.
My primary love language: _______________________
Their primary love language: ____________________
I feel most loved when...
I have a hard time feeling loved when...
8. How do we handle conflict?
Don't just ask whether you fight. Pay attention to how you fight.
When I'm upset, do I pursue, withdraw, shut down, get loud, become defensive, avoid the issue, or try to fix everything immediately?
When there is conflict, I tend to...
When I'm hurt, what I need most is...
When we don't agree, we usually...
What happens between us when one of us doesn't get our way?
9. What did our families teach us about marriage?
You are both bringing an idea of “normal” into marriage—and those definitions may be very different.
Growing up, marriage looked like...
My parents taught me that a husband should...
My parents taught me that a wife should...
Something from my family I want to bring into my marriage is...
Something I don't want to repeat or that we need to shut down now is...
10. Do we agree about the big things?
Have we actually talked about children, parenting, church involvement, where we want to live, career priorities, sex, roles within marriage, extended family, debt, giving, and the lifestyle we hope to have?
You don't have to be the same person, but you should know where your differences are before saying “I do.”
What do I believe or think about...
Children: _________________________________________
Parenting: ________________________________________
Faith & church: ___________________________________
Money & debt: ____________________________________
Sex & physical intimacy: ___________________________
Roles in marriage: _________________________________
Career & work: ____________________________________
Where we live: ____________________________________
Extended family & boundaries: ______________________
Giving & generosity: _______________________________
Lifestyle & priorities: _____________________________
You don't need identical answers to every question. The important thing is that you've actually had the conversations.
11. What do we genuinely enjoy doing together?
What interests do we share? What do we love doing together? And can we support and enjoy the things we don't have in common?
Having different interests isn't necessarily a problem. But friendship needs places where your lives overlap and where you genuinely enjoy being together.
Things we love doing together:
Things I love that aren't really their thing:
Things they love that aren't really my thing:
How can we support each other's individual interests?
12. What do our parents think?
Your parents don't get the final say in who you marry, but their opinions are worth listening to. God calls us to honor our father and mother, and parents can sometimes see things we can't see when we're in love.
What do my parents see in this person? What do their parents see in me? Do they have concerns? Are we willing to listen without immediately becoming defensive?
Honoring our parents can include seeking their wisdom, listening carefully, and taking their concerns seriously—even though we ultimately make our own decision.
Scripture: Exodus 20:12; Proverbs 1:8–9; Proverbs 15:22
What do my parents appreciate about our relationship?
Have they expressed any concerns? If so, what are they?
Have I seriously considered those concerns, or did I immediately dismiss them?
13. If nothing about this person changed, would I still choose them?
Not their potential. Not who you think they'll become. Not “once we're married, they'll probably…”
Who are they right now?
Are there things you're assuming marriage will fix? Are you overlooking something because you're convinced it will change later? Marriage isn't a promise that another person will become who you hope they'll be.
What am I hoping will change about this person after we're married?
Have they actually expressed a desire to change—or am I assuming they will?
If those things never changed, would I still want to spend my life with this person?
14. Am I settling?
Marriage is too important to choose someone simply because you're afraid there won't be anyone else.
Ask yourself: If I weren't afraid of being alone, would I still choose this person?
Am I overlooking convictions, concerns, incompatibilities, or warning signs because I have already invested so much in the relationship? Am I thinking, “This is probably as good as it's going to get”? Am I more afraid of starting over than I am confident about moving forward?
There's a difference between recognizing that no person and no marriage will be perfect and convincing yourself to marry someone you already know isn't right for you.
Why do I want to marry this person?
What makes me confident in choosing them—not just afraid to lose them?
If I knew with certainty that I could eventually meet someone else, would I still choose this relationship?
So, What Comes Next?
Choosing the person you want to marry is a big decision. But once you've made that decision, there's another question worth asking:
Do we know how to “do” marriage well?
You don't have to wait until you're struggling to learn how to communicate, work through conflict, understand your differences, build intimacy, talk about expectations, and create a strong foundation for your marriage.
That's where premarital Marriage Mediation comes in.
Marriage Mediation isn't counseling, and it isn't just for marriages in crisis. For premarital couples, it's an opportunity to intentionally prepare for the marriage you're about to build—not just the wedding you're about to have.
We'll look at who you are individually and as a couple, talk through the areas that matter in marriage, identify potential challenges before they become problems, and give you practical tools for doing marriage well from the very beginning.
Because the goal isn't simply to get married.
It's to know how to be married.
If you're considering marriage, engaged, or newly married and want to learn how to “do” marriage well, let's talk.
Schedule a FREE Connection Call with Victory & Vision Marriage to learn more about premarital Marriage Mediation.
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